I would like to share my story...
It was an exciting
time but scary all the same. I didn't know what to expect. I was
officially in the "High school" in this small town school. 7th grade.
This was my 2nd year at this school. I had some friends and so on. The
town I lived in was so small that we were bused to the next town for
school. I had some friends in both small towns.
I grew up fast...
And I seemed to gravitate towards the "older" crowd. They were more at
my level emotionally and mentally. I also went through my change of life
early so I fit in physically with the older crowd as well.
I also
gravitated towards guys versus girls. Girls were in a different world
than I wanted to be in. There was always drama! I could always deal with
all different kinds of people though. It was pretty easy for me to
conform myself to what others wanted or liked. I am still a lot like
that today.
Anyway, off to my 7th grade year. I had a few
girl friends that I hung out with. I had sleep overs and all that good
stuff. One night in the winter of my 7th grade year, everything was
going normal. I was at Brenda's, my friends house for a sleep over. Her
Mom, Dad, and brother were home. My friend and I performed a dance for
her parents, that we rehearsed over and over. It was to the song, Baby
got back. Yep, it was the one by Sir Mix A~lot! The dance was cute. Took
a lot of work for us to come up with the moves throughout the whole
song.
After the dance off that we did, we took it pretty easy. It was getting pretty late and we ended up sleeping in the living room.
The
next morning, everyone was still laying low. It was Saturday anyway. I
got up to go to the bathroom and on my way back from the bathroom, my
friends brother, Brad, had called my name from his room. I was pretty
close to the whole family so I walked in saying, "Yeah". Next thing I
know the door was shut and he came up to me with no clothes on. And
without going into detail, raped me. Even though I screamed for help,
nobody seemed to hear me. I was in shock and so much discomfort that I
called my mom to come get me. I just wanted to go home and curl up in
bed. Which is what I did...
I tried to remain "normal" and go
on as usual when it came to my school life. I still talked to my friend
Brenda but things did not feel the same. I ended up even dating a guy
soon after this happened. Longer story shortened...My boyfriend and I
were hanging out at a friends house and she lived close to the family I
trusted and stayed at the night I was raped. As I was looking out the
window and feeling horrible inside, my boyfriend came up beside me
asking if I was ok. Obviously I couldn't hide the few tears that I
didn't have time to wipe away. It was then that I decided to tell him a
little bit about what happened. He talked to me that day and helped me
feel better.
Before I new it, a couple days past. The next thing I
knew I was being pulled into an counselors office and my mom was
sitting there as well. I was confused...my counselor explained that my
boyfriend, Travis, got in a fight with Brad, the guy that raped me. That
they were there because Brad talked to his mom about what I told him.
Needless to say, my mom and the school was informed. I was devastated. I
didn't want to deal with this and just wanted things to disappear.
However, this was just the beginning of the very worst year of my
life...
It really was a small school and word got out
quickly. It was by the next day, that everything and everyone changed.
Let me explain a little about Brad. He was a "jock". He was a star
player on the high school football team. He was very popular in school
and in town.
From this day on I was pushed around physically and mentally.
I
was talked into pressing charges on him, "to save other girls from
having to go through this." Little did I know that was the worst choice
of my life. I now had to make it through a court proceeding as well as
learn to live with being treated horribly.
Not only did I have
students from all grades attacking me physically...I had teachers and
staff in on the tournament. I wont bother you with every detail but
would like to give you a taste of what my life was like during this
time.
First and foremost, my boyfriend wanted nothing more to do
with me. As far as "friends" were concerned...I had a couple left. There
wasn't a day that went by without being humiliated. I was called every
name you can think of. "Slut, whore, bitch, piece of shit" to name a
few. I was called these names out loud all day long. But when that
wasn't enough for them, my locker became a chalk board of sorts. A group
of students used bright lip stick to write "Slut, bitch, and whore" on
my locker. They used chap stick to grease the combination part of my
locker so that I couldn't open it. This was all done on a day that I
stayed home from school. I was called by a girl from school and told
about this. So in other words, there was MANY who seen it, including
staff members in the school, but they left it up for me to deal with the
next day.
I was tripped down a set of stairs so many times
that I can still picture the tile my nose has hit very vividly. I was
called names when I would raise my hand in class but no teacher would
acknowledge it. I even had one teacher that told me I needed to stay
after class to talk about some problem I got wrong on my homework. When
everyone left, I walked up to the teacher. He was sitting in a chair at
his desk. As I look down at the work he supposedly wanted me to look at,
he was playing with himself. When I looked away he told me in a stern
voice..."LOOK DOWN HERE OR ELSE". I couldn't hold the tears in anymore,
so I took off. I ran to the bathroom. I cried as hard as I could but
knew I had more classes to get through. It was useless to "tell" on the
teacher. It would be taken as serious as the times I begged for help
when students were hurting me. They, the school, didn't care. Now it was
just a matter of staying alive...staying strong...until I couldn't take
it anymore.
I have always been able to take a lot! I tried
to ignore random boys coming up behind me and sticking their hands up my
shirt to touch me. I tried to ignore the time I walked with the 2 last
"friends" I thought I had. I followed them to an area I later found out,
was planned. There were many people, including guys, at this spot where
nobody could help me. While they all took turns pushing me, hitting me,
calling me names. I finally got strong enough and just started running!
I ran for my life literally. I honestly don't know how far they would
have went if I would have just stayed there. I really did try and ignore
being poked and scratched with sharpened pencils and the metal that
holds notebooks together on the bus.
I could go on for quite some
time...but the point is that it was my hell. It couldn't be anything
less then hell. I was seriously beaten into the ground.
My
parents seen in me that I was done. I could no longer fight the fight. I
was officially broken and not willing to go on anymore. Without going
through all the legal mumbo jumbo...My parents hired lawyers and started
fighting for a 6 figure win. At that point I was only concerned that
NOBODY would have to endure that kind of treatment there at that school.
We didn't get to finish out the lawsuit the way I would now love to
take on...But we did hit them in the belt. They didn't get away with it
but at the same time I don't know if it was enough to do what I hoped
for. I cut all ties to that town and school. I was lucky enough to make
it through that period of my life. Don't think I didn't think or even
try to commit suicide. I did try and I did sit many nights planning an
easy way to end my life. I remember so many nights that I wouldn't go to
sleep without my lights on. I remember sleeping with my mom most
nights. Luckily my dad worked nights. If he was home and I couldn't
sleep with my mom, I would hold my pillow and sit next to their
door...falling asleep sitting up.
I know what it's like to want to
take all that pain and just kill it. Without really "dealing" with what
I went through I ended up with the "Who cares" attitude.
Don't
get me wrong, things finally did settle once they removed me from this
school. I was put through some home type schooling for a bit. And then
was off to a new school in a different town. I was scared beyond words
but I made it. I think the next year was as normal as I think I had in
my school years.
Either way...I made it through my hell. I fought
myself over and over. I did put myself in some bad situations after I
lived through this hell. I had the "I just don't care anymore" attitude.
I ended up in a relationship with a drug dealer for a year and a half. I
skipped school, I helped make drug deals, etc. I ended up in a group
home for troubled kids. I was put in a mental hospital. I really just
didn't care anymore. I finally ended up braking things off with him so I
could make a go at changing my life. Soon after our split, he was
murdered. I have no doubt in my mind that I would have been with him and
laying dead right beside him.
I am thankful that I had the Lord
on my side with a whole different plan... He obviously had a different
plan for my life because I am still here.
I would love to
help make a difference in our bullying laws. I obviously have been
touched personally in this area. Not to mention my own daughter, almost
13, has been dealing with a lot of bullying as well.
It really
does break my heart that I can't do more by myself. If I could do it all
alone...it wouldn't be an issue anymore. I know what it's like feeling
empty and alone. I know what it's like being ignored and pushed aside.
I
wouldn't want anyone to endure what I did. And I honestly mean NOBODY!
Even those that were apart of it. I just want it to stop. I pray for a
day that these kids can all be whoever they choose without being treated
badly. I pray for acceptance...I pray for peace and love. I pray that I
can help stop the hate. Even if we just start here in the
community...it's a huge step. We only live once...
This where my poem Beyond bullying comes into play:
11 years old tryin to find her place...
So many girls jealous of her face...
Schools star football player has taken what he wants
Teachers and students begin with the taunts
Tripped down the stairs while they all smile
The bump to the head will heal in awhile.
Two "friends" walked her into a circle of pain
Barely walked away from there feeling the same.
Both boys and girls took a turn or 2
hitting and kicking until purple and blue.
Locker greased with chapstik galore
Books in sad hands dropped to the floor.
Stay after class cause he has something to share
"don't look away" as he touches himself there.
Lucky for her she stayed really strong
looking back today, so much could of went wrong.
Bully's all shapes, sizes, gender, and age
make it feel like you belong in a cage.
Parents question about all this rage and then blow
it off like its some sort of stage.
They all need to know it's worse today
weapons and guns have come into play.
We need to find peace and stand up for their rights
lets please put an end to all these bully's and fights.
~Sara
(My own personal experience of bullying)
Thank you for sharing that story! It had to have been so hard to write. I know I have some similar stories and when I reread the entries in my journal, I have a hard time even reading those, let alone retyping the incident for all to read. But it is such an important thing for teens especially to hear, both victim and the bullies. This sort of treatment is not acceptable. I mean, who was the one that committed the wrong act? The jock. And why wasn't he getting taunted or pushed down the stairs or harassed? That's why its important for victims to speak out and expose the ones who really do the wrong. Unfortunately, until there are more that do it, society isn't going to follow the path less traveled and fight against the jock because everyone else is taunting the victim. :( We can only hope that by opening our mouths, minds, and hearts, we can make a difference in a few lives and then start to make a difference on a bigger scale. Again, thank you for sharing this difficult and emotional experience. These are the types of stories that should really get people to wake up and pay attention!
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